


where i've always been

by omoiyaris



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Getting Back Together, M/M, Post-Break Up, just (vague muttering), mentioned one-sided Ushijima/Oikawa (past), some other shiratorizawa team members mentioned, there's no volleyball here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:06:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26112352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/omoiyaris/pseuds/omoiyaris
Summary: He thinks about Tendou more often than he intends to. Wakatoshi is a creature of habit, and Tendou occupies too large of a part in his routine for him to shrug him off completely. His absence is louder than his presence ever was, and Wakatoshi struggles to cling onto the memories of their time together even as they slip through his fingers.”I wonder if this is what it is to miss someone,” Wakatoshi says into the silence of his apartment. The still room does not provide him with an answer.Ushijima and Tendou break up. Goshiki's birthday sparks a reconciliation, and then some.
Relationships: Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 5
Kudos: 145
Collections: Ushiten Week 2020





	where i've always been

**Author's Note:**

> this is for the **day 2: getting back together** prompt for ushiten week! i have nothing to say except that i really love post break up fics for some reason ✨

Wakatoshi is a creature of habit. 

Every day, he wakes up promptly at 5:30 am for a balanced breakfast and a morning run. A quick shower later, he’ll head out for work, where Wakatoshi will take a standard 30 minute lunch with two 15 minute breaks dispersed throughout the day. Upon returning home in the evenings, he’ll make dinner and watch an hour of a tv show or read a book before turning in. Deviations from his routine are minimal and only when absolutely necessary, such as shopping for groceries or helping a friend in need. 

Reon once suggested that Wakatoshi was adverse to change. He doesn’t agree; he is _amicable_ towards change as long as there is a purpose to it. The shift from bachelor to being in a relationship, for example, was one he accepted easily. Adjusting his life to make room for another person was not much of a challenge. 

Tendou, going from _Friend, Best_ to _Friend, Boy_ was another palatable transformation, albeit one their friends expected to happen far less smoothly than it actually did. Unlike Wakatoshi, Tendou can be unpredictable at times. _Whimsical_ , if one is feeling charitable. He did not mind; it was different, but interesting, to be with Tendou. Over the course of their relationship, Wakatoshi was introduced to many things outside of his comfort zone—some he even enjoyed. 

But there was a comforting familiarity to Tendou as well, a pattern Wakatoshi had grown accustomed to back in high school. He learned to account for Tendou’s occasionally erratic behavior to the point where it did not surprise him anymore. It wasn’t long before Tendou and everything he encompassed was another part of his routine. 

Their break up, then, was a change Wakatoshi did _not_ delight in. There was no purpose behind it; the reasoning for the end of their relationship felt flimsy at best, but Wakatoshi did not want to force Tendou to remain bound to him if he did not wish to be. 

However, a part of him is resistant to acclimate to a life without Tendou. Old habits feel alien and uncomfortable, and although Wakatoshi attempts to adjust, there is still a gaping hole in his life, one he suspects he won’t be able to fill easily. 

Instead of Tendou coaxing him to linger a few more minutes in bed, there is only the uncompromising sunlight. Instead of making a large breakfast in the morning and convincing Tendou to eat something before he zooms out of the apartment, already running late, Wakatoshi cooks for one. Instead of eating lunch with Tendou, he sits alone on a bench and observes the flight patterns of the nearby birds. Instead of watching horror movies or anime he barely understands in the evenings, Wakatoshi watches nature documentaries on his own. Instead of Shounen Jump lining his bookshelves, there is only empty space. 

He thinks about Tendou more often than he intends to. Wakatoshi is a creature of habit, and Tendou occupies too large of a part in his routine for him to shrug him off completely. His absence is louder than his presence ever was, and Wakatoshi struggles to cling onto the memories of their time together even as they slip through his fingers. 

”I wonder if this is what it is to miss someone,” Wakatoshi says into the silence of his apartment. The still room does not provide him with an answer.

* * *

Sometimes, when Wakatoshi is feeling morose, he will remind himself that Tendou is not gone permanently. The bookstore he works at is three doors down from Wakatoshi’s flower shop. It is no distance at all, and yet at times it feels like an insurmountable gulf. 

“You’re probably too aware of the emotional distance between you,” Reon says sympathetically. 

“Emotional distance?”

“I just mean that you and Tendou aren’t on the same page anymore.” Shrugging, Reon rests his hip against the counter. “Breakups are tough to bounce back from. If you think about it, things aren’t going to be the same as they were before all this.” 

Another change Wakatoshi is not a fan of. He wonders if the ‘break’ in a breakup can ever be mended completely, or if a broken thing must forever remain just that: _broken_. 

Reon is the first to break the sudden heavy silence settling between them. “Do you still talk?” 

“Satori occasionally stops by to purchase some flowers.” It is strange. Wakatoshi doesn’t recall any particular fondness for flowers on Tendou’s part when they were dating, but Tendou says that lately, they add a little brightness to his life. “I also visited his store once to buy the latest _Jump_.”

“ _Shounen_ Jump?” Reon asks incredulously. 

“I miss reading the advertisements.” He misses the way Tendou’s expression would light up when he read a new chapter of his favorite series, and the point-by-point recap he’d regale Wakatoshi with over dinner later. “However, it’s not the same.” When he’d bought the copy of _Jump_ , all Tendou had done was give him an enigmatic smile and say, “Hope you enjoy the ads, Wakatoshi-kun. There’s a cool one for a robo-vacuum on page 34.” 

He wonders if this is what Reon meant by emotional distance. “I don’t care for it,” Wakatoshi says grimly. 

Reon sighs. “I don’t blame you.” He pushes off the counter and grabs his order, throwing Wakatoshi one last kindly smile. “Hang in there, Wakatoshi.” 

* * *

Tendou’s visits are sporadic and unpredictable. There is no discernible design to them, no order or system Wakatoshi can figure out. Tendou comes and goes like the wind, perhaps, blowing in when mood strikes. 

Although, he cannot say he is entirely surprised to see Tendou pop his head into the store today, a wicked grin alighting his face. “Wakatoshi-kun~” he croons, jamming his foot between the door and the frame. “Are ya still open?”

“Yes, for a few more minutes.” Smiling does not come to him naturally, but Wakatoshi makes an attempt. Tendou deserves at least this much. “Can I help you with something, Satori?”

Tendou slides into the store, the door gently slamming shut behind him. “I just wanted to get a bouquet made,” he says, shoving his hands in his pockets. “For our lil’ Tsutomu’s birthday party this evening.”

Wakatoshi frowns. “Did you not buy him a gift again this year?” 

“I did!” Tendou squawks. “I swear! I just figured, y’know, I’ve given him a bouquet every year since you and I got together, so why not this year too?” He fidgets, eyes darting around the store before settling on Wakatoshi’s face. He’s keenly aware of being scrutinized, but this is something Wakatoshi is accustomed to. “Sure, last year I _absolutely_ forgot to buy him a gift, and the year before that I spent all my money on that game instead of Tsutomu’s present, but this year the flowers are just tradition.”

“I see.” Strange to think the tradition will continue on past the duration of their relationship. Something flares in the pit of his stomach, hot and unpleasant. 

“You know what Tsutomu would like, right, Wakatoshi-kun?” Tendou continues, leaning over the counter. “You think you could pull something together for me?”

“I can try.” Admittedly, he is not confident he knows exactly what Goshiki would like to receive, but perhaps he can use the language of flowers to craft an appropriate message for the occasion. 

While Wakatoshi busies himself assembling the bouquet, Tendou rests his elbows on the counter, propping his chin up in his hand. The song he hums under his breath is vaguely familiar, the tune half-remembered in Wakatoshi’s mind. Tendou’s _get-busy_ song? Tendou’s _Wakatoshi-is-the-best_ song? 

The corners of his lips twitch in amusement, in nostalgia, only to tug downwards a moment later. 

Ever perceptive, Tendou notices the shift in his demeanour. His teeth sink into his bottom lip. “Wakatoshi-kun, you’re not feeling like, all _awkward_ , are you?” 

“No,” Wakatoshi says. “Not particularly.” Tendou is one of the few people who can read him easily, but over the years, Wakatoshi believes he’s come to learn how to read Tendou as well. Right now, worry lurks behind his relaxed expression, edged with hesitation, uncertainty, something shaky “You said we would still be friends, Satori.” 

“I did say that, didn’t I?” Tendou muses. “So we’re friends, huh?” 

“Yes.”

“Cool, cool.” Straightening up, Tendou laces his fingers behind his head. “I like being your friend.” 

“I do as well.” Wakatoshi finishes tying the ribbon around the bouquet and hands it to Tendou before ringing up his purchase. He waits patiently while Tendou fumbles for his wallet to pay and needles Wakatoshi about a discount. Lamenting his bad fortune when Wakatoshi refuses to budge, Tendou steps away, then pauses. 

Sometimes, when Tendou looks at him, there is a curious half-smile on his face—one that doesn’t reach his eyes. He wears the same expression now, laden with things unsaid. “Wanna head over to Tsutomu’s party together?” he asks finally. 

Wakatoshi takes off his apron slowly. Things they once took for granted are questions now; the fear of rejection, he presumes, is making Tendou antsy. But he never once considers saying no. “Alright.”

“Yay~” Tendou cheers, skipping out of the store. Wakatoshi follows once he has finished cleaning up. He almost takes Tendou’s hand as they walk to the station out of habit, but stops himself at the last minute. 

* * *

They’d all agreed to meet at the bar where Kawanishi worked for the celebration. “I can’t rent the place out to you, though,” he warned ahead of time. But when Wakatoshi and Tendou arrive, the bar is relatively empty. The largest and loudest group clustered together belongs to their friends, while the other patrons are spaced out in ones and twos, doing their utmost to ignore the noise. 

“Tsutomu!” Tendou says loudly, waving at the man in question. Without waiting for acknowledgement, he bounds over and thrusts the bouquet into Goshiki’s empty hands. “Happy birthday! Got ya some flowers, like always! I think they probably mean something, but I forgot what.”

“I can explain, if you would like to know,” Wakatoshi adds, sliding into the empty seat beside Reon. Tendou joins him a minute later, his leg knocking against Wakatoshi’s in the process. 

“T-that’s okay! I’ll figure it out,” Goshiki says quickly, looking from him to Tendou, now chatting with Semi, suspicion plain in his eyes. “Thanks for coming, Ushijima-san. And Tendou-san. _Together_.” He places enough emphasis on the word to make Yamagata snort into his beer. 

“He’s acting like his divorced dads showed up together on his birthday after promising not to fight but he can’t quite trust them yet,” Semi says, leaning back in his seat with a smirk. 

Tendou looks up. “Why would Wakatoshi-kun and I fight?” he asks, scandalized, and Goshiki turns a deep, violent shade of red. 

“I’m not! Ushijima-san isn’t my dad.” 

Semi raises an eyebrow. “I’m pretty sure you called him ‘dad’ while introducing Koganegawa to him last year.”

“I—that was _different_!”

“Speaking of problem children Wakatoshi-kun and I have somehow adopted,” Tendou interrupts, drumming his fingers on the table. His nails are bitten down to the nub, Wakatoshi notices, and wonders if Tendou is doing well. He doesn’t like not knowing. “Where’s Kenjirou?” 

“Busy studying.” Semi grimaces. “He has an exam coming up.” 

“I commend Shirabu for prioritizing his education over partying.” Although it would have been nice to see him, Wakatoshi admires Shirabu’s unfailing dedication to his studies. 

At his words, Goshiki fidgets and glances over at him, seemingly wanting something. Before Wakatoshi can ask, Semi laughs. “Goshiki wants some praise.”

Goshiki sputters. “I do not!”

“Your new haircut is very flattering, Goshiki,” Wakatoshi offers. 

“Yeah, yeah. It’s cute, Tsutomu~” Tendou chimes in, pressing closer. His head rests against Wakatoshi’s shoulder, perhaps unconsciously, but the weight and the warmth is welcome. He shifts closer, seeking more contact, and after a moment, feels Tendou’s knee playfully jab into his calf. 

“Goshiki’s dads,” Yamagata says solemnly. 

Tendou laughs, but it sounds forced to Wakatoshi’s ears. He straightens up and scoots away, deftly changing the subject in the process. Wakatoshi can feel Reon’s eyes bore into the side of his head, concerned and questioning, but he ignores the attention and stares down into his glass, his lips pressed in a thin line. 

Emotional distance and physical distance. Is this how it will be, now and every day after? He wants to pull Tendou back, to rest his hand on his thigh, to let Tendou play with his fingers when he’s feeling restless. But inches continue to separate them for the rest of the night. 

To Wakatoshi, they feel like miles. 

* * *

It’s dark outside by the time Wakatoshi bids his farewells and heads back home. Initially, Reon joins him, but changes his mind when Tendou insists on walking home with them as well. Before he leaves, Reon claps Wakatoshi on the back and says, “Be honest. You can bridge the distance if you hate it that much.” Giving Wakatoshi a supportive smile, he turns away. 

“Ready to go, Wakatoshi-kun?” Tendou pops up by his elbow. Nodding, Wakatoshi follows him into the balmy night, conscious of the gap between them. It feels like Tendou is deliberately inserting space, and Wakatoshi hopes this doesn't mean that he is uncomfortable around him now 

They walk in silence for a while. Whenever Wakatoshi glances over, Tendou is either staring straight ahead or studying the passing signs. His hair has grown from the last time Wakatoshi was in close quarters with him. He’d buzzed it short before their break up, and Wakatoshi used to enjoy running his hands over the closely cropped hair. Idly, he wonders what it would feel like under his palm now. 

“They grow up so fast, don’t they?” Tendou finally says, pulling his attention back to the moment at hand. 

“I believe Goshiki is growing at an average rate for a young man his age.” Physically, at least. He doesn’t know how to gauge emotional growth. “Perhaps it feels fast to us because we have known him for some time.”

Tendou chuckles. “Yeah, sure,” he says. “I figured you would say that.” He falls quiet once more after that, and Wakatoshi thinks it might be his turn to introduce a topic of conversation. By the time he settles on _have you been eating well_ , Tendou has already moved ahead. “Y’know,” he begins, sneaking a glance at Wakatoshi. “Semi asked me why we weren’t together before I left. I didn’t really know what to tell him.” 

Wakatoshi pauses mid-stride. “I would like to know as well.” It has been two months and thirteen days since their breakup and he is no closer to understanding it than he was on day one. 

Tendou stops as well and spins around. “C’mon, Wakatoshi-kun. You can’t say that.” 

“I am only being honest.” He trusts Reon’s advice, such as it is. “I thought our relationship was stable.” He believed their relationship was _strong_. Being faced with the reality that he apparently misjudged it hurt more than Wakatoshi anticipated. 

“I,” Tendou says, then stops. He swallows, his mouth quirking into a mockery of his usual smile. “I thought you were in love with Oikawa,” he says, with forced nonchalance. He resumes walking—though backwards, still facing Wakatoshi as he speaks. “You were acting _really_ weird after he showed up. I’ve never seen you that riled up over anything before.”

“Oikawa,” Wakatoshi repeats. He remembers Oikawa’s unexpected re-entrance into his life—it had been raining that day, and Oikawa was desperately seeking a place to wait it out on his way home from work. They’d talked until the rain let up, and Oikawa had been almost pleasant for once. He’d stopped by a few more times after that. 

It had been strange to see him again, but not in the way Tendou is suggesting. The memories of his ill-fated crush had been overwhelming for a short while, but once he’d been given the chance to process, Wakatoshi realized that whatever feelings he once had were in the past. With every visit, he felt less and less towards Oikawa until he was just another customer. 

“I’ll tell ya something, Wakatoshi-kun.” Tendou lowers his voice, as if he’s sharing a secret. His eyes, however, are shaky, his mouth pinched. “Intuition is kinda scary sometimes. I’m not usually wrong about these kinds of things, you know? Especially not when it comes to you. If you—well, if you still loved him, I didn’t wanna get in your way.” 

He wonders why Tendou so readily believed that Wakatoshi was unsatisfied with him. With their life together. He wonders if Tendou was always waiting to be discarded, on alert for signs of Wakatoshi’s displeasure. Was it his fault? Had he, in some way, indicated that he was unhappy? Was Oikawa simply a symptom of some greater issue? These are questions Wakatoshi suspects he might not be able to answer, but they swim around his head nonetheless. 

“I did have feelings for Oikawa,” he says finally, and Tendou’s shoulders slump. He gives Wakatoshi a weak smile as if to say, _told ya!_ But Wakatoshi is not finished. As Reon said, he needs to be honest if he ever wants to close this hated distance. “A long, long time ago. I can’t remember why. They were feelings I had no need to follow up on.” His expression softens. “Because shortly after, I fell in love with you.” 

“You what?” 

He chuckles at Tendou’s wide-eyed expression of disbelief. “Does it come as that much of a surprise? We were dating for three years, Satori. Of course I am in love with you.” 

Tendou blinks. “Well, yeah, _now_ , but I didn’t know you cared like that back then.” 

“That is my fault,” Wakatoshi admits. “I should have made it clearer, but our friendship was enough for me in those days.” He finds it hard to remain satisfied with friendship now that he knows of what other possibilities are in front of him. “I was happy with you, Satori. Oikawa did not disrupt that.”

For a long moment, Tendou does not say anything. Wakatoshi waits patiently, until—” _Whoops_ ,” Tendou says suddenly, his face splitting into a wide grin. “Looks like I made a mistake there, Wakatoshi-kun. Bungled things up pretty badly, huh?” 

“You did.”

Some of the tension bleeds out of his shoulders as he cocks his head to the side. “Didja say you’re in love with me, present tense?”

Wakatoshi always chooses his words carefully. Present tense, rather than past, was deliberate on his part. “You once said that people are afraid of things they cannot understand,” he says, and Tendou’s eyebrows lift in surprise. “In that sense, I can’t understand how to adjust to life without you, Satori. Perhaps I am scared, then, of losing you. Of our current circumstance becoming normal.” 

Tendou comes to a halt. His mouth opens, then shuts, then opens again as he lets out a long exhale, which turns into a bark of laughter. “Wakatoshi-kun, why didn’t ya tell me?” he asks, putting his hands on his hips.

“I did just now.” 

“Okay, okay, you did, but—” Tendou breaks off and tips his head back. “I guess I was so sure I was right I didn’t realize we had to talk about whatever was going on in my head. Silly, right?” 

“It is silly,” Wakatoshi agrees, stopping as well. He takes a step, then another, until inches separate him and Tendou. But it is not the imposing, mile-long distance from earlier in the night. Rather, it feels like nothing at all. Like Wakatoshi could cross it in the span of a heartbeat. “In the future, we should communicate more openly.” 

“Yeah!” Tendou looks back down and does not seem surprised at all by the sudden proximity. “Is this a future together or separate?” he asks, his fingers twitching at his sides.

“I would like it to be a future together,” Wakatoshi says, reaching for his hands and giving them a gentle squeeze. They still fit in his perfectly, like they were always meant to. “If that is possible.” 

“Of course, Wakatoshi-kun.” This grin of Tendou’s is familiar, edged with a softness Wakatoshi has come to recognize and love over the years. “No question about it.” Tugging his hands free, Tendou cups his face and pulls him in for a slow kiss. It’s familiar; kissing Tendou does not catch him off-guard or cause him to stumble. It is a habit, one that still makes his heart flutter, one that Wakatoshi does not want to break. 

When they finally break apart, Tendou’s eyes suddenly light up. “I gotta catch you up on Jump.”

“Yes.”

“And this freaky new anime I found!”

“... Okay.”

“What’s with that face, Wakatoshi-kun!” Their hands linked, Tendou skips forward, tugging Wakatoshi along. He doesn’t mind. “You look like you ate something gross. Didn’t you miss my late-night tv choices?”

Wakatoshi’s lips curve into a smile. “Yes. I missed you.”

“That wasn’t the question! Pay attention.” But Tendou doesn’t sound annoyed, just amused. He pulls on Wakatoshi’s hand with a surprising amount of force, until the distance between them is nothing at all. “I missed you too, though,” he says. “Let’s not do that again, hmm?”

Wakatoshi has no qualms about agreeing to that.

**Author's Note:**

> my schedule only allowed me to write one thing for ushiten week. all the prompts looked like so much fun, but i zero'd in on this concept and had to see it through :') i do hope i get the chance to write more ushiten in the future; they’re some of my faves. 
> 
> anyway! thank you for reading ♡ any comments or kudos would be much appreciated! 
> 
> ps. i have a shiny (??) new (???) [twitter](https://twitter.com/bokuto_mp4)! pls say hi 🥺


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